Just Along for the Ride
Live life in the present, and find joy and fun in everything currently going on!
to be a womanizing tool, and it’s something I don’t want to be.
I find it extremely easy to talk with women, but to date them I find is something different entirely. It shouldn’t be, but for some reason in all my cases it doesn’t work out. Then I see guys around me playing the game by coming off as really cocky and only interested in physical things, and they end up going home with the girl; yeah they don’t have a girlfriend but girls find these guys desirable. And what’s more frustrating is that the majority of these girls are not dumb and they are actually nice people; they say they want a nice guy, which will be true in a few years but right now they actually date/hook-up/etc with cocky guys regardless of what they say they want or what they’re interested in. I recently became one of these tools, or attempted to become one of these tools simply because I am tired of not being found desirable, especially by the girl I want to date. She made out with someone who is cocky and has no interest in dating her, and when I found out about it it was not a good feeling, my stomach sank to be completely honest and it bothered me. I heard it during Chapter and I played it off that it didn’t bother me and apparently I did a great job because none of the brothers asked me about it (because they knew that I liked the girl the brother made out with). It’s agitating because I heard it from her perspective and his and it was funny how it differed. What irritates about the whole thing is that I am actually interested in dating her and he isn’t. Usually she is good at reading me, but when she was telling her side I was flustered on the inside but on the outside I played it off like I didn’t care and it worked because she doesn’t have a hint that it bothers me.
We had a party at our fraternity house on Saturday, and I always hangout with this girl and her roommates and we always hang out throughout the night. And I just got tired of not receiving the same feelings from them as I had for them, so to “lash out” in a way I hit on every single at our party and they noticed. I got told by numerous people, including a couple of the girls I was hitting on, that I was being pretty friendly. That night I was the cocky, charming guy and girls were responding to it, but to be completely honest this is not me. And now that the girl I like saw me do this she feels that what I’m looking for is physical. But all I want is a relationship with her…. I am tired of her not seeing me.
I am tired of being bothered with this. And when I explain the situation to people they say just ask her out, and when I say she likes me just as a friend they say move on to the next girl. But this isn’t just some girl to move on from. Maybe I am the one being hard-headed and stubborn, but she doesn’t know and it’s funny because she is one of my best friend’s so you’d think she’d be able to read me like a book.
That’s the one thing about being good with reading people’s emotions: it’s easy to hide your own and portray something opposite in order to make sure other’s are happy and not put in an uncomfortable place.
It’s just funny because I know that I could be one of those cocky tools, but to be completely honest there is NO WAY IN HELL I would be, that’s just not who I am and it’s not my true character and intentions.
For the past few weeks I have felt very discontented, and I haven’t been able to really put a finger on it. But today I figured out what’s bothering me:
Not having reciprocity.
Not just in one aspect of my life, but all aspects and yeah more emphasize on others. I feel I’ve put so much effort into things, into people, into organizations. Not just effort, but time, commitment, passion, emotions, and to be honest my heart and soul for the betterment of whatever I am devoting myself to. But I don’t get that same passion in return.
Trust is something big with me and it’s an ideal I try to emulate in my life. I tend to build trust with people faster than a majority of individuals would. I’ll be open as a book with someone, and I’ve realized they won’t be as open with me. They put up a wall of defense mechanisms and yes we have deep conversations but they’ve never let me in, and that bothers me because it makes me feel that they don’t trust me.
Another thing is showing my emotions and dealing with them. If I want to be angry, sad, reserved, not talkative, then why don’t I feel like a can. I’ve built a reputation of being the friendly, outgoing, “cool” guy and people constantly hold me to that demeanor. So on days when I am feeling reserved I get called out for not being my “normal” self. I don’t understand why I feel I have to justify my emotions when they are normal. I feel like if I am not the social person then I am not being normal, and that bugs me. Some days I simply feel like being reserved, and it doesn’t always mean I am in a bad mood because sometimes when I’m reserved it means that I am content or thoughtful.
Emotions is a tricky human trait. As adolescents, we are taught and even encouraged to talk about our emotions and what we’re feeling and thinking. To get things off of our mind and out in the open to be resolved, dealt with, or simply heard. But lately I’ve felt you can’t always to people what your true emotions are, what you’re honestly feeling in your heart. I’ve felt like I have been chastised for having certain emotions and feelings, and it makes no sense to me at all. What I am feeling and thinking towards people is understandable, and when I mention it to others they feel it’s normal too. But when I actually opened up about how I was truly feeling towards certain people, they criticized me for having the feelings. And I felt like there was something wrong with me. But now that I reflect back on it there isn’t. What I felt was normal:
Falling for your best friend is normal.
When you constantly hang out with them everyday in every circumstance, whether it’s watching a movie together, partying in their apartment, doing homework together as well as being unproductive together, looking at them and seeing not only their perfections but their flaws AND being accepting of them. How is one not to develop feelings stronger than friendship for this person? I don’t exaggerate when I say I have literally spent everyday this year either hanging out with or talking with these women. And when I mentioned my true feelings they made me feel ashamed and not normal. But my other friends, my family, even people I don’t know on a personal level already think we are dating, and when I tell them we’re not they ask why… and to be honest I don’t even know why. It’s frustrating to hear on a daily basis about how much time I spend with them and what I do for them and hearing the question sarcastically ”You guys dating yet?” or the other popular one “Why do you do all these things and spend so much time with them if you’re not even dating one of them?” It’s hard, but nobody seems to understand because it’s a weird situation and I feel there’s not simple answer. One of the women I fell for does empathize with me. She’s the one person I am completely truthful with because she’s completely honest with me, and I truly appreciate her and not making me feel like I am out of line by having these feelings towards her and her roommate. I hate that this one situation consumes my time and my mind. I think about it on a daily basis, and honestly more frequently than that. What makes this even harder is that I have other girls that are interested in me, but I can’t date them when I have these feelings for other women. It wouldn’t be fair if I started dating someone when I am actually thinking about someone else. Whenever I am not around these girls, I want to be. And with the girls that are interested in me I just don’t feel that way. I have my brothers and friends tell me to just move on and date one of the girls that are interested and they even say it’s normal for me to date and still have feelings for another girl. But I know that’s NOT normal for me. I wouldn’t feel right about dating a girl and feeling and thinking so strongly about another girl. So I feel stuck. When I am around them I don’t act like I want more than a friendship because I don’t want to make them uncomfortable, but on the inside there’s always thoughts going through my head of what could be and how natural it could feel. But I keep these thoughts to myself and filter them through what I call the FZ guard [Friend Zone]. They are seniors though and will be graduating in a few weeks, which makes me sad. But maybe after they graduate my feelings of wanting a relationship with them will dissipate, but do I really want those feelings to go away?
Something that has made it’s way back is the thought of transferring schools. I was having lunch with one of the girls yesterday and this topic came up. I said that I feel a sense of discontentment here and I want to go somewhere else to see if it would change my discontentment. She asked me why I was discontented and I said I couldn’t pinpoint it, but I lied. I know why I am discontent here and want to move on from this place. And it’s simply because [and I know this sounds ridiculous and pathetic] there is not that one person to keep me here, a girlfriend and I want to find her, and feeling like I have found what I was looking but not being able to have it wants to drive me away from this place. But at the same time, she’s asked me why I haven’t just transferred, and again I wasn’t honest with her. I said I was scarred to start new and have to rebuild (which is partly true) but the real reason is because I didn’t want to leave them. I didn’t want to lose them and their friendship and I felt that if I left I would lose what I have with them and I cherish our friendship and trying my best not to ruin it (which is another reason I hold back what I’m actually feeling and thinking about wanting more than just friendship). Ironic, huh? I want to leave because of what I can’t have but I want to stay because of what I could lose. I haven’t mentioned this to anybody because it doesn’t make logical sense, but whether people know it or not finding that someone is the ultimate driving force behind life. Our biological function is to produce more offspring, but going deeper than that for humans to achieve a level of complete happiness and satisfaction they have to have someone to connect with. Relationships are the key component for happiness. The happiest people are not ones with a lot of money, fame, power, high social status, most involved, most dedicated… the happiest people are the ones with meaningful relationships (family, friends, and lovers). So why is it uncommon for someone to move to have the opportunity of finding that person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Or stay in a discontented situation because of a possibility? I don’t have an answer for either.
Well, it’s come to that point where I have ran out of steam so to speak in my writing. It’s significantly slowed down and the flow isn’t there so that’s my cue to wrap this up. This feeling of having so much emotion yet having to put it in a box is driving me around in circles, and putting so much effort into things and not getting the same in return is discontenting. But there is a quote from Gandhi that’s always encouraging when I want to simply stop doing things and put no effort in aspects of my life:
Everything you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it, because nobody else will.
Steady murmur of anticipation rising,
feet trampling and hands moving.
Sounds of laughter, of anger, of joy
to what the sky is going to present.
Boom! Hearts pound and hands clap,
followed by the sounds of amazement.
Streaks of light painting the night sky,
flowing and alive like a moving river.
Being entangled by the sparks,
minds wonder at the spectacle being watched.
Seeing the impossibility of fire in the sky
makes one thoughtful of their life.
Passions, desires, and needs
coming to life on this dark canvas;
inspiring us to become that fire:
to explode with our deepest feelings and wants.
Looking around and seeing the people smile,
teeth glistening under the light of the explosions.
Realizing the need to become complete,
to burn like the fires in the sky.
How come when I can’t have one thing or have this misconstrued perception of something it literally taints my entire contentment and happiness?
I try to constantly remind myself that I have so much going for me and have great friends, a good education, but feeling like I am being treated awkward or ignored just gets me. But the thing is is that I don’t even though if that’s really happening. I am probably just depressed and interpreting every social interaction and fun experiences with a cloudy, dark lens. I just don’t feel content and feel fulfillment right now, and I’m praying and actively changing to my usual optimism, but the instant that depression seeps in my attitude becomes entangled with feelings of inability and lack of confidence. And when I try to act confident I feel like I either come off as awkward or just a dick. I don’t know what to think because I can’t really get any perspective.
To be completely honest, I just don’t know. After writing this, I feel like I am depressed and therefore interpreting everything as being ignored/awkward. I just don’t want to bring other people down but I am just going to keep praying and need to start reading Scripture again.
Jeremiah 29:11. This is a verse that I need to constantly keep in mind and heart.
Feeling pretty dang good now :)
And if she changes her mind that would be pretty legit but either way at least I know I’ll have her there :)
To be completely and transparently honest…
It would be nice to be in a relationship. That’s what I really wanted for Christmas as nerdy and pathetic as that sounds.
